Today, there is a lump in my foot. Just below my small toes. I found it because it hurts. All I want to do is nothing at all. But then I would have nothing to think about but how it hurts. But it hurts to move.
In my mind I decide I must get up, but the body is taking a long time to get on the action end of the idea. I hear wailing downstairs. I feel guilty. I should be down there putting out that fire, calming the chaos. I feel this way every morning and by now, the thought cycle is worn out.
It is then that the instigator of this chaos toddles into my room, swinging the door open with a loud thump as it hits the wall and swings back. Little curly head boy reaching up, grabbing the air with his hands. I thank heaven for this tender mercy, for bringing this boy to me, and scoop him into the warmth of the covers I am still in. Tears turn to rhythmic breathing until he is asleep on my chest. Thoughts of pain melt away as my mind fills with all the good things in life. My breaths match his and I soak him in, for I know all too well I must enjoy this sacred moment. Babies never keep long enough.
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