Prepared and blessed.

I am beginning to understand that asking the right questions is possibly one of the most important things we can do in this life.

  "I want to be healed" leads to "Do I have faith to be healed?"
Which the leads to, "I have faith,but only if it is the Lord's will. Is it will of the Lord that I be healed?" because I know that if it is, it will happen.
 "How do I know the Lord wants me to be healed," and then I find myself at,
" If healing is His will, what is the purpose of this experience?" And finally I come to the root of it... "What if healing isn't the purpose of this experience, am I willing to accept that too?" And
"If I'm not willing to accept as a possibility that His will may be my educational growth through suffering, how do I embrace that and proceed with hope that I will still be able to be the mother I know He wants me to be?"
 "What is the point of suffering?"
"Is there something else that needs to be done outside of these questions?"

   This leads me to want the confidence of knowing His will for me before I ask. I want to ask the Lord appropriate questions. I know that receiving revelation encompasses study in our own minds first.
 So that is where I began.

   I have studied everything I can get my hands on about RA. And anything new that is introduced to me I will study as well. This study took me on a journey through the holistic world- partly because the medicinal worlds solution isn't too complicated- we would have to carefully choose a medicine to battle the disease and manage side effects.
   The other reason I walked down the holistic road is because I really do believe our bodies were made to be healthy and glorious. And frankly the info I was getting from holistic sources about the long term effects of medication were terrifying!
I thought perhaps this disease was the Lord calling me to repentance for
 years of taking my body for granted. My staple diet in college was noodles and no bakes... Paired nicely with the date to eat program...

     Anyhow, I found myself wanting to know with absolute certainty what to do.  Somehow I felt that my often lazy prayer routine wasn't going to cut it for an answer I would need to direct my life this significantly.
     I evaluated the top ten things I knew I should be doing but wasn't. My list included the basics, more effort in prayer and study of the scriptures, more consistent and deliberate temple attendance. Obedience to basic commands like getting my family prepared for an emergency situation and feeding my family foods that were more inclined to produce overall health in everyone... 

I dove in.  I began with a fervor to implement each of these actions.  I sought answers in the temple. I was lead to better questions.  I studied the benefits of suffering.  I studied the fertility effects of medication (which can be severe) which made me wonder if the time for me to stop having babies was here. I changed everything about the way I ate and studied evening I could possibly find about healing, spiritually, holistically, medicinally, emotionally.... I sold our tv and sought to root out anything else that might have distracted my mind from the whispering of the spirit. I wanted no other influence to influence my direction. 

     After a couple of months having fulfilled a weekly commitment to attend the temple and having learned much there, I found myself in the celestial room praying. I earnestly told the Lord that I had truly studied it out in my mind and was willing to accept any and all solutions He had in store for me.
      I acknowledged that I was willing to welcome another baby if that was the plan, that I would take whatever medicine, that I would eat whatever he guided me to eat- that I had faith to be healed today-but that I just needed a clear and undeniable answer. I felt inspired to ask Sean when he would be ready to give me a blessing. We agreed that the next Saturday would be the day.  He invited my parents and his to join and support us.

     Saturday came and we met our family at the temple. After a temple session, and a day of fasting we all felt that we had done all we could to invite the spirit to speak to us. We convened at Sean's parents house and these wonderful priesthood holders whom I knew and love very much placed their hands upon my head and gave me a blessing from the Lord through my tender-loving, worthy husband. 

      The message was clear. A baby was the first blessing and order of business. Following our obedience to that direction I was promised healing- through medicine. 

   Oh the sweet relief of clear answers! My heart burned within me, confirming the answers I had received. I was reminded in the blessing that the Savior had felt all that I had and would and that this experience was to help me understand His love for me. That because He walked that path alone, I do not have to. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face and all who were there.

 I feel grateful for the ability to ask the Lord inspired questions. 

Desire, fire.

 According to the desires of our hearts.

We read in the scriptures,  that the desires of our hearts will be granted.  I can't decide if this is the most telling characteristic of our loving God or if it is the most telling characteristic of human weakness. Maybe both.

     For our Heavenly Father to love us so much, and want us to be comfortable SO much that even though He loves us more than we can even begin to comprehend he would allow us to separate ourselves from Him- if that is truly our desire.
    This kinda hits me right here as a parent.  I don't really care how much my kids don't want to eat their veggies,  I know it will make them healthy and happy.  It is a struggle everyday to persuade them to partake of this happiness because of their immediate want for sugar.
    I don't know how old I was (I'm sure wayyy too old) when I finally began making the connection that a cookie for breakfast literally rendered me incapable of accomplishing anything the rest of the day.  That first sugar rush would bring on a headache so fast. I would battle the rest of the morning to stay coherent from the sugar drop and clamoring to climb back in to those warm blankets and shut my eyes... Oh glory-its naptime! followed by a long afternoon of no-motivation-to-eat-anything that could possibly pull me out of the slump because it just didn't taste good after the cookie. Except maybe more cookies. Those would taste good. Cycle repeat.  That sweetness was so darn hard to get away from.
    But kids, well, they love to run and play.  A kid sick on the couch is miserable (and encourages misery in those around him I might add). So is the sugar the desire of their hearts? Or is running and playing? I tend to see a lot more happiness from the kids running and playing long term than the ones crashing from sugar.  (Or maybe my kids are the only ones who suffer from sugar crashes in the most unattractive ways...) BUT we all know that it takes a few years before they will realize this and regulate their own sugar consumption.

    Perhaps that is the total sum of this life,  to define our desires.  Certainly there are elements of genetic, environmental and circumstantial influence.
    Elder Maxwell teaches,
        "Desire denotes a real longing or craving. Hence righteous desires are much more than passive preferences or fleeting feelings. Of course our genes, circumstances, and environments matter very much, and they shape us significantly. Yet there remains an inner zone in which we are sovereign, unless we abdicate. In this zone lies the essence of our individuality and our personal accountability."

     Weakness in that even if we know we will be miserable like unto Satan, we could even possibly still desire it over the blessings and happiness that could be. And that our Heavenly Father loves our liberty to choose-enough to let us choose it.  He loves us enough to teach us what our choices mean.  He loves us by letting even the smallest desire for good work and grow in us. He shows His confidence in us by giving us choice AND accountability. He wants us to be happy, but He won't force us to be happy. Anything achieved by force is accompanied by unhappiness.

  He honors us by letting us choose fire, if we so desire it.
   So what,  what do I desire?  I guess a good long look at my actions is the only true measure.  And if I disagree with what my actions are spelling out- I suppose its time to change them. Praying with my small amount of mustard seed faith to change my desires to His.

Faith to be.

 

(Above: My parents with my little Luke. Best Parents Ever.)

       Healed. Mom was crying as she said it, I could hear dad emotional in the background of the phone conversation. They wanted me to be healed. Why couldn't it happen for me? I know the Lord moves mountains. I know He heals.  There are lots of faithful people in this family, surely if there is such thing as healing and having the faith for it, we could muster it.. Fasting was going on already in my behalf. I knew that my parents yearned for me to have this gift, just as I would have for my daughter...
     But somehow, it didn't sit well.  I couldn't imagine that I had been given this obstacle today just to try and give it back tomorrow... Why was this conversation making me so uncomfortable?
      And yet surely healing was a righteous desire- right?  Asking in faith for our righteous desires is something the scriptures encourage us to do!
      His will for us is to gain all that He has. This is my firm belief. I am confident that anything I am required to endure in this life is a smoothing salve to my rough exterior- more polish to my stone if you will... I have been given a challenge. What will it make of me?

    Some days,  a heaping ball of why's.
    Other days a more convinced daughter of God.

    I pour a hot tub, dissolve in my Epsom salts and baking soda-and sink in. I know it completely depends on choice. My swollen joints float effortlessly in the calming water and I know what I must choose. To embrace the gift (or challenge) He has given me, its just a choice. Am I allowing it to build my testimony with stronger mortar? Where do I allow my thoughts to go?
    If my Heavenly Father wants me to seek healing- I will.  If he wants me to experience the benefits of suffering- I will.

   My question at the beginning of this journey is what he would have me seek. What experience do I need most to refine and polish this rough stone that I am? My flesh is weak, but I want to do the most right thing. I am grateful for faithful loving parents and for their example of how my Heavenly Father loves me too.

   "Courage is exhibited in every virtue at its testing point." Elder Boyd K. Packer.