Prepared and blessed.

I am beginning to understand that asking the right questions is possibly one of the most important things we can do in this life.

  "I want to be healed" leads to "Do I have faith to be healed?"
Which the leads to, "I have faith,but only if it is the Lord's will. Is it will of the Lord that I be healed?" because I know that if it is, it will happen.
 "How do I know the Lord wants me to be healed," and then I find myself at,
" If healing is His will, what is the purpose of this experience?" And finally I come to the root of it... "What if healing isn't the purpose of this experience, am I willing to accept that too?" And
"If I'm not willing to accept as a possibility that His will may be my educational growth through suffering, how do I embrace that and proceed with hope that I will still be able to be the mother I know He wants me to be?"
 "What is the point of suffering?"
"Is there something else that needs to be done outside of these questions?"

   This leads me to want the confidence of knowing His will for me before I ask. I want to ask the Lord appropriate questions. I know that receiving revelation encompasses study in our own minds first.
 So that is where I began.

   I have studied everything I can get my hands on about RA. And anything new that is introduced to me I will study as well. This study took me on a journey through the holistic world- partly because the medicinal worlds solution isn't too complicated- we would have to carefully choose a medicine to battle the disease and manage side effects.
   The other reason I walked down the holistic road is because I really do believe our bodies were made to be healthy and glorious. And frankly the info I was getting from holistic sources about the long term effects of medication were terrifying!
I thought perhaps this disease was the Lord calling me to repentance for
 years of taking my body for granted. My staple diet in college was noodles and no bakes... Paired nicely with the date to eat program...

     Anyhow, I found myself wanting to know with absolute certainty what to do.  Somehow I felt that my often lazy prayer routine wasn't going to cut it for an answer I would need to direct my life this significantly.
     I evaluated the top ten things I knew I should be doing but wasn't. My list included the basics, more effort in prayer and study of the scriptures, more consistent and deliberate temple attendance. Obedience to basic commands like getting my family prepared for an emergency situation and feeding my family foods that were more inclined to produce overall health in everyone... 

I dove in.  I began with a fervor to implement each of these actions.  I sought answers in the temple. I was lead to better questions.  I studied the benefits of suffering.  I studied the fertility effects of medication (which can be severe) which made me wonder if the time for me to stop having babies was here. I changed everything about the way I ate and studied evening I could possibly find about healing, spiritually, holistically, medicinally, emotionally.... I sold our tv and sought to root out anything else that might have distracted my mind from the whispering of the spirit. I wanted no other influence to influence my direction. 

     After a couple of months having fulfilled a weekly commitment to attend the temple and having learned much there, I found myself in the celestial room praying. I earnestly told the Lord that I had truly studied it out in my mind and was willing to accept any and all solutions He had in store for me.
      I acknowledged that I was willing to welcome another baby if that was the plan, that I would take whatever medicine, that I would eat whatever he guided me to eat- that I had faith to be healed today-but that I just needed a clear and undeniable answer. I felt inspired to ask Sean when he would be ready to give me a blessing. We agreed that the next Saturday would be the day.  He invited my parents and his to join and support us.

     Saturday came and we met our family at the temple. After a temple session, and a day of fasting we all felt that we had done all we could to invite the spirit to speak to us. We convened at Sean's parents house and these wonderful priesthood holders whom I knew and love very much placed their hands upon my head and gave me a blessing from the Lord through my tender-loving, worthy husband. 

      The message was clear. A baby was the first blessing and order of business. Following our obedience to that direction I was promised healing- through medicine. 

   Oh the sweet relief of clear answers! My heart burned within me, confirming the answers I had received. I was reminded in the blessing that the Savior had felt all that I had and would and that this experience was to help me understand His love for me. That because He walked that path alone, I do not have to. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face and all who were there.

 I feel grateful for the ability to ask the Lord inspired questions.